Life in a box... a messy house

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I don’t let people in my house. Literally and figuratively. My house is a mess, and it has a Do Not Enter sign at the front door for a reason. Sometimes people knock, and I’ll answer the door. But, I tell them not to come in because it’s such a mess. But, they tell me it’s ok.... haha... is it? They slowly push that door open...

They say they know, but they don’t know. They come inside my house and say they understand what it’s like. But, they haven’t been where I’ve been, seen what I’ve seen, struggled like I struggled, felt what I felt, hurt like I hurt, bled like I bled, and been where I’ve been.

I’ve struggled my whole life, I’ve been fighting since the day I was born and I wasn’t wanted, because I wasn’t supposed to be here.

People will come along and say they care, but do they really care? They rip open all your wounds to watch you bleed. Then ask you why you’re just laying there bleeding! Tell you it’s not their problem and that you need to fix yourself, that you’re the problem, even though they tore them all open, when you never asked them too. Then, when you’re down they’re going to throw dirt in your eyes, and salt in your wounds.

I stay far away from people because I know I have a messy house that needs to be cleaned. I’m doing my best with what I’ve been given in my life. But, sometimes people want to dig that thumb into that wound, because they want to know how bad it hurts. They say it’s because they care, but do they really care? do they really care if they want to rip it open and watch it bleed? Just to tell me I got a stitch it up myself.

I know I’m broken, I know I’m empty inside, I know the battles that I face on a daily basis because I fight them every damn day ALONE. Almost everybody that’s ever come along in my life has done nothing but either create the wound, dig into it, or kick me while I’m down. I’m tired of those people!

One day I just want somebody to come along and not do that. Somebody who comes along and just listens, understands, and loves me anyways. I don’t want someone to come along and fix me, especially when I never even asked them too.

I would never go into someone’s house and tell them it’s a mess, “but It ain’t my mess so I’m not gonna help you”.... “I’m not here to clean up your mess” I would never do that, in fact I’m the exact opposite.

I care deeply about people, I care so much they don’t know how to handle it. So, I don’t get close because I will absolutely pour everything into a person and leave all my own needs behind. Because, I care so much about them that I want to give them everything. I give! I encourage, I support, and then I give more. I’m rare... very rare, you won’t find another person like me very often. I am going to help them and make them feel loved because that’s what love is. That’s what you do when you truly love somebody or you want to show somebody love. You pour yourself into them, you don’t just dig into them, rip them apart, tear them open, and watch them bleed.

Hey you’re a mess you need to clean up your shit! Yeah, thanks... I didn’t know...

Love is coming into someone’s life and house and actually helping them clean their mess figuratively and literally, it’s called hard work. You choose to invest in that person because you know that they’re worth the investment! You don’t go to somebody’s house to create a mess and then just sit back and watch them clean it up, or even watch them clean your mess.

This is why I don’t bring people into my life and my world because they don’t understand. They don’t care enough. They cannot fathom all that is inside of me and all that I have experienced and all the pain and hurt that’s deep inside my soul. I don’t let anybody in and I tell people I’m not going to let you in because this is what’s going on and this is who I am so don’t even ask because you don’t want anything to do with it. It’s too much for people.

But, sometimes they do it anyways, they knock, then push the door open and they come inside the messy house and then they start to look around. They say “oh this is just a little too messy” I don’t think I want anything to do with this... I think I’ll just look around instead... and that’s why nobody comes inside my house. Because no one cares enough to actually be a part of it And get their hands dirty. They just want what they can take, they want what I give... because I’m a giver and they like that part, that parts easy, who cares about the rest.

I don’t invite people in to clean my mess because I don’t want them to be a part of the mess. All that does is create a whole new mess, a whole new wound that I have to clean and heal from. My heart doesn’t have have room for any more scars, well At least I thought it didn’t.