Life in a box... catastrophe

Why I don’t like to date.

I’m gonna break this down the best I can. I’m a high achiever, and I work extremely hard at being the best I can be in any situation. If I see someone doing something I have to run harder, jump higher, love harder, cook better, you name it.

It drives me! And it drives me crazy. I over analyze every situation, every date, every conversation.

I don’t like people touching my things or getting into my personal space bubble. As much as I get lonely and wish I had someone to drink coffee with in the morning and kiss.... I equally want my space and not have to be someone to some one else.

In my marriage I did everything and took care of everyone all the time (except myself). Hell I still do. I carry that into relationships that I have had or would have as well. To me a relationship just means one more person I have to take care, one more person I have to be perfect for and perform for.

I was not appreciated in my marriage, and it’s hard for me now to take compliments and impossible to allow someone to take care of me. It’s gut wrenching to be cooked for, or have someone appreciate me. It’s hard to stomach.

I want someone to appreciate me, but I don’t want to be appreciated. I want someone to love me, but I don’t want to feel love. I want some to care for me, but yet I don’t want it either.

To me being vulnerable is not opening up to someone, that’s easy to me(obviously) it’s all the other things that were never done for me as a kid or in my marriage. It’s being vulnerable enough to allow some one to care about me and love me for who I am and accept me and all my flaws.

I figure if I work harder than anyone else, or do everything for everyone then there is nothing they can have against me. But, I also equally don’t want to be used.

It’s such a fucking literal heart breaking struggle inside my soul knowing I’m the reason I’ll never be happy with someone. That I am my own worst enemy. That I’ll be alone forever because of me... not someone else.