Life in a box... exhausted



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Life is exhausting. Not so much physical exhaustion because I have energy for days. I run on coffee and good looks! luckilyI don’t lack on either.

It’s more mental exhaustion that wears me down, it’s the overwhelming feeling of being Solely responsible for everything and everyone. It’s getting up everyday and making breakfast, dropping one kid off then driving 25 minutes of out of the way to drop another kid off, then going to work and dealing with all of the things that need to be dealt with. Lunch time I have to pickup kid number 2 then drop her off, drive back to work, spending the rest of the day dealing with problems, leaving work and picking the kids up, getting home l, cooking dinner cleaning the kitchen, take out the trash, do the laundry and making sure that all their needs are met.

Then in between all the chaos you lawyers, doctors appointments, therapist appointments, school appointments, counseling, grocery shopping, pets, bills that aren’t getting paid, and if you’re lucky you get to squeeze in some exercise but the only time you have available for that is it to get up at 4:30 in the morning.

I think what weighs me down more is knowing these things won’t happen unless I make it happen and I’m the only one here capable of making all these things happen. I ask for help, but only when I absolutely need it but even as difficult as it can be I hate to ask for someone to go out of the way. It’s waking up knowing you don’t get sick days and you pray to God you don’t have a flat tire, or get in a wreck. You can’t be late for anything even though you’re always late.

If you don’t provide then the bills don’t get paid and you’re the only one providing for your family there’s no help, there’s no back up plan, it’s all on you. I guess the icing on the cake is no matter how hard you work and no matter how much you do, no matter how many things you accomplish it’s never gonna be enough, YOU will never be enough.

The Bible says we all have a cross to bear and this is mine, it doesn’t make the cross any lighter, it doesn’t make the journey any easier, but it does mean no matter what we have to carry that cross. Jesus taught us that the burden is large and pain will come. It’s not going to be easy, but he showed us that it can still be done.

The cross is heavy, and just when you think you have a handle on it life ones by and says, no MF here’s some more weight. Oh you that road is too easy, now take this one!

You may find rest in between but I can guarantee you that that rest will never add up to the amount of rest that you truly need. I do not rest with come, I do know the Jesus says that I can rest in him.

I do pray one day my kids are gonna look back and they’re going to appreciate the love that I poured into them even though they couldn’t see it all. Even though they don’t always know what its like and the pressure, the pain, and the feelings of failure that are persistent on a daily basis.

I’ll conclude with this: Love is not roses and chocolate, love is showing up when you don’t want to, Love is giving everything when you’ve already given it, love is finding that it’s gonna be painful providing and pressing forward, but you can take it. Love is when you don’t want to, when you have nothing left to give but somehow you do, somehow you find a way to keep giving it.

Love is pain.