Life in a box... fine

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The thoughts inside my head never go away, they race, they turn, they flip, they hurt. They are a broken record on repeat. They lie and they steal. I suppress them down inside and hide them behind a pretty face, nice butt, and smile. I say things like “I’m fine” and “it’s all good” or “doesn’t matter.”

You can translate these to I’m not ok, I’m hurting inside, help me please. I’ve struggled for such along time (10 - 15 years) and it’s a battle that rages inside me, it’s comes and goes from time to time but it’s a prison sentence inside my mind. Clinically diagnosed depression is impossible to explain. You‘re not unhappy, but your convinced you never will be. You’re not sad, but your convinced you will never feel better. You can be completely surrounded by people but feel all alone inside.

This year has been tough, tougher than most. Life changes and struggles, money and fights. Consistently feeling completely overwhelmed and tired, you don’t eat, or sleep, and you push yourself harder into exhaustion.

Men struggle with these issues differently, you have to factor in all the emotions and an ego, then the world tells you that you can’t feel that way. Men can not have emotions, or needs, asking for help is just a sign of weakness, and talking to people about your problems means you just can’t handle it! They are going to laugh at you... Suck it up! Be a man! If you can’t do it then your just not good enough, strong enough, or capable enough.

Something triggers you, and all these new emotions surface to the top and they fester and rip you apart. That box you hid them in was opened and some one let them out. They were hidden there. Friday was my anniversary and although a part of me died when I got divorced and something new is being born, the emotions, the past, the thoughts, the trauma rears it’s ugly head back into your life.

Having a traumatic brain injury takes all these emotions and struggles and doubles it. On Friday I worked out without a shirt on outside in 39 degree weather. It was cold and I can’t feel the right side of my body so when it’s cold it’s an insane feeling. I love working out because it’s such a punishment on my body that the pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive inside. Most other things are dead to me.

I get tired by the end of the day from cognitive fatigue, but I still have to be a dad 24/7. I sleep 4 hours a night if I’m lucky and even then I don’t get much quality. I wake up thinking out the 1700 things I need to accomplish during the day and for each one of those I think about how I’m going to fail. These are not my thoughts, they are the thoughts that come to me without control.

Space away from people and thoughts is my safe place, it’s quiet, I can think, I can relax, I can shut everyone away without fear of failure and pain. I can listen to my music and not have to perform for anyone. I don’t have to be a puppet or a showman. Then loneliness creeps in and I don’t like to be alone, I get inside my mind and it rains down on me like a waterfall.

But, I’m fine, It’s all good, and it doesn’t matter. Yes Mom! Haha I’m fine. I’m just journaling my emotions.