Life in a box... good enough

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Ugh man. Everyday is a process. Different things come up or happen and they set you back to think a little more than you thought you would that day. Today I took Riley to the farmers market and she was upset with me. She said I seemed preoccupied and I didn’t acknowledge it at first and she said I that coul have of atleast pretended to want to be there. Dammit man! I did want to be there and I love spending time with my kids, but, she was right. I was preoccupied and mind was somewhere else.

Then, I’m watching this show and folding laundry. The show is about a full time single dad whose trying to discover himself and date. Ha! It’s a good show and it’s totally relatable. But this one episode was about how he hadn’t processed his anger yet. I feel like I have processed my anger some since my divorce and other things, but I’m not sure I’ve fully embraced it. It’s ok to be angry and disappointed about things. Sometimes those disappointments will last a lifetime, not because you want it to be different but more because life wasn’t and didn’t turn out as you had originally expected. Instead of the life long love life and growing old I’m with someone, I’m spending my days trying to navigate my daily hectic ass life. Sometimes it feels like I’m juggling bowling balls on one foot on top of a pole when it’s windy and raining outside. I barely make it through the day and I get pissed, because It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Or when I think other trauma and issues I do get angry about those, because WTF? Would I change things? No! I am where I am and I love my life and my situation now. I’m stronger, wiser, and a much better person than before.

But, was I supposed to be a full time single dad at 37 with a TBI and struggling to make sense of the world? Haha not what I thought was gonna be my life at this age. Does anyone understand what it’s like? Nope... but I don’t understand their life either. So, I think it’s justified to be let down and angry sometimes. Doesn’t mean I’m sulking or quitting. But, it’s does suck that I have to try and balance all these things in my life and at some point I’m gonna let someone down even if that person is me. I am my biggest critic. I am the guy who puts 10x the pressure on myself to be so perfect all the time and constantly give myself to others. No one really asks these things of me, bit it’s also apart of who I am, it’s not a switch I can just flip.

Processing pain from life’s trauma is almost impossible. I could list them all here but it alone could it’s own book. I don’t believe some things can ever be fully processed, you can’t just wish they didn’t happen or accept they didn’t affect you. They hurt, those scars are visible to the world and you can only explain them to someone so much. They will never understand how it felt, what it was like, and how it’s carried on into your life. Pain will change you and mold you into a different human being from when you were just a baby. You can’t really explain why you are the way you are or believe what you believe because it’s all rooted into your past trauma and experiences.

It’s the acceptance that those things, although horrible, were not your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, you are not flawed, you deserved better. You were, are, and always will be good enough to deserve the best in life. You are changed because of these things, but you are stronger, and you are perfect in every way. You don’t owe this world a damn thing more than what you have given to it already.