Life in a box... life

Some days I do just fine - I wake up, I take on the day, and I accomplish great things. I lay my head down those nights and I convince myself that everything is going to be ok. Those nights bring rest.

Then some days I wake up and I struggle. I struggle to get out of bed, I struggle to get moving, I struggle with the thoughts of myself being a failure and not being the man I’m supposed be. I struggle with my thoughts of being a failure as a father, a failure as a person, and never being enough. Those are the nights that I lay my head down and I fight back the pain and tears that have consumed me the entire day. I lay there in the dark wondering if I’m ever going to be able to see a better tomorrow.

Life consistently feels like it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. At rat maze of constant dead ends and every time I try to turn down a different lane, eventually, that path leads me to nowhere because some new obstacle is inevitably waiting for me on that path. I drop to the lowest places of my soul and it takes every part of me to press on and keep fighting to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know the things that happen to us are meant to purify us, but the heat of the flame and the pain of the burn still exists. The scars heal although the stories behind them never change. My battle is within, we all have our own. I just hope and I pray that this season will not be without reward and that it will only be short lived.

I long for the days that are good, the ones that I remember, the joy that is found within them, and the peace that it shall bring at the end of the night.