Life in a box… needle in a haystack.

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I don’t like to date. I don’t like relationship. I want more than that!

But, how does one find love when you don’t know what it is?

To me it is like looking for a needle in a haystack, but, you don’t know what the needle looks like. I am a naturally kind, compassionate, loving, generous, and giving, individual.

I’ve been told that I give too much and I don’t allow others to give to me and I don’t leave room for people to love me because I spent all my time loving them first.

The truth is, I don’t really know how to let people love me. I am so used to people just taking from me and using me and only being someone to other people because of what I can do for them that I don’t know what it means to have someone care about me.

I’m admittedly just a broken Mess inside.

Everyone now a days just wants perfect. They want “tall, dark, and handsome.”

No one seems to want the guy with baggage, the one with the scars, with all the flaws. Yeah, yeah! We’re all scarred and broken.

Look, I have played the hand that I’ve been given in life and I’ve played it well, better than most that were provided a much better hand. So, until that person comes along and sees that and accepts that and loves that.

I will just continue to live my life the way I always have (alone). No one in life is guaranteed a partner, truth be told, I’d rather go to my grave knowing that although I arrived all alone I was able to do it without anyone.

Love is but an added bonus to an already difficult life. I have all the love in the world to give to someone, however, beside my children it doesn’t mean anyone else deserves it.

As much as I get lonely and wish I had someone to drink coffee with, share my good and bad times with, start the morning with a kiss.... I equally want to be loved in all my brokenness, not for what I can provide to someone else.

In my marriage I did everything, and took care of everyone all the time. I still do that, each day.

I tend to carry that into relationships as well. To me a relationship just means I have one more person I have to take care, one more person I have to be perfect for and perform for.

I’m tired of pretending.

I was not appreciated in my marriage, and it’s near impossible for me to let go and have someone else care for me.

To me being vulnerable is not opening up to someone, that’s easy to me(obviously) it’s all the other things that were never done for me before. It’s being vulnerable enough to allow some one to care about me and love me for who I am and accept me and all my flaws.

I figure if I work harder than anyone else, or do everything for everyone then there is nothing they can have against me.

It’s such a literal heart breaking struggle inside my soul knowing I’m the reason I’ll never be happy. That I am my own worst enemy.

That potentially I’ll be alone forever because of me... not someone else.