Life in a box... single for life.

Single for the rest of my life!

What an interesting thing to say. I say it all the time, and to be honest.... I mean it!

But, why? do you ask.

“That’s not really true... you are just saying that... everyone wants love... right?”

I struggled in my marriage because I truly loved my former spouse. When I say I loved that person, I mean I loved with my whole heart. It wasn’t one of those “I love you... because you are amazing” types of love either. My former spouse was far from amazing and along with that love came a shitload of heartache.

However, I loved from a different part of my soul. The one that you can’t tap into very often. The part deep down that fought with everything I had inside of me to make the marriage work. The part of my heart and soul that gave literally everything I had to someone who broke me.

Sometimes, we can put on a facade of claiming to be single for life because it sounds catchy. Maybe it even sounds like we are unique in some fashion and rebellious against the social norm or hallmark movies. Ultimately, it stems from a place deep inside us that maybe we gave away a part of ourselves that we don’t think we can get back. I’m not sure I can describe what it’s like to truly love someone with an Agape love and then lose that love. To know everything about someone, and to think of what it would be like to put that same level of effort all over again into another human being.

Yikes!

It’s the little things to me, like knowing someone’s Starbucks order by heart. Or how they sleep at night. Knowing their deepest darkest secrets and vice versa. Or maybe it’s the thought of having that vulnerable and intimate closeness with someone else that you once shared that you thought you would have forever. That’s a scary feeling... hell it’s straight terrifying!

So, instead we throw out funny one liners when we hear about someone else dating again like “I think I’m going to hurl..... don’t do it!” Or, we act all tough on the outside as if we don’t want someone else, we are happy all alone.

Although, I will admit being single is an amazing feeling of freedom. I do quite enjoy knowing that when I do have some time to myself I don’t have to feel obligated to someone else or I can pickup and leave whenever I like. I can take trips solo or with friends and just enjoy the moments I have with them. I can take of me first vs. someone else that needs me on top of my kids. Don’t get me wrong there are plenty of good reasons to be single!

Until we are sitting on the couch late at night secretly wishing we had someone to share our day with. Maybe we sip that cup of coffee early in the morning next to the fireplace and think about those times we shared with our spouse... or how nice it would be to have some else in their PJ’s snuggled up to us on the cold winter days.

Of course, then you have to share a blanket with someone and who the hell wants to do that...

“Alright, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”