Life in a box... sleepless

ive been writing for 25 years. Just random things. Lack of sleep will have you laying in bed all night trying to solve the worlds problems. I don’t get much sleep and I have legit OCD tendencies so I’ll lay in bed and think the same thoughts for hours. I’ll think about the things I did or said in the day and if they were right or wrong.

Could I have done this, or that? Did I forget to turn off the microwave, shut the garage, feed the cat I don’t have, do aliens exist, how long would it take to put toothpicks end to end across the U.S.??? Why can’t I sleep?

I spend all night breaking down things and trying to analyze topics and conversations. I’ll think about things that I need to do in my life and if I’m saving enough money or teaching my kids how to budget properly.

Would I look better with hair?

A couple thoughts I’ve had recently are these: why do I struggle with my feelings? I watch and read far too many things about dating for a guy who doesn’t really like to date. Usually they are about how women like the bad boy, the mystery guy, the tough guy blah blah. Then I’m like why? Yeah great, but do you know how dumb it sounds to be someone or put out an image you are clearly not? I’m just an average Joe.

I mean Screw that! I got 4 daughters. They paint my nails and we shop for tampons and face wash. We bake, and watch movies on a Friday night. I like to wear pink it brings out my eyes. I drive a fuel efficient SUV because it’s economical and the safety rating was high for the price point. I don’t have time for people opinions, it’s just not for me.

I have to think of what kind of guy would I want my kids to date? Then I have to be that guy, and that guy has to be better than all the other guys. I have to be me!

I also think about time. Time is the one thing in life that you can never get back, the clock is always running. When you’ve seen that time almost vanish forever, you have to decide how you want to spend it. Who gets it, and when. Sometimes I lose track of time going down rabbit holes and I have to pull back and say... no! My time is no one else’s time, it’s priceless to all of us. I’m not wasting my time on things or people who don’t value mine or add to my life. I wasted too much time already. Time should have a return investment in your life in some way, shape, or form. Not in a selfish way but it should pay off.

I think about boundaries. I spent most of my life without them. Boundaries define us. A few years back right when I needed it, my group started a series called Boundaries and it changed my life. I was able to learn what my boundaries are and how to protect myself from people and things. Boundaries are not walls. They are barriers that we set for ourselves and people either respect them or they don’t. The can change over time, and they can be modified. The people who respect them, respect you and that’s important. If someone doesn’t respect you and your boundaries then they should not be a part of your life or if they are they need to be at a safe distance. I respect other people’s boundaries by default and sometimes they don’t understand and they don’t know it’s a respect and admiration thing.

My biggest boundary is touching me. I don’t touch people, I don’t even like standing too close. If you’re in my space or were touching it’s because your in my inner circle of like 5 people in my life, 4 of them being my kids. Haha! So it’s a VIP list. Touch is a love language for me and only love language, period, the end. Haha, Don’t be touching me unless we’re like peanut butter and jelly (strawberry because that’s my favorite). If you touch me, you’re touching my soul and heart. Those things are sensitive. I love being touched, but then it forms a bond and ones those get broken or ripped apart it hurts.

Respect would be my number 2 boundary. I don’t take disrespect from anyone long. I have a very calm demeanor most of the time, I don’t like to cuss or be mean to most people unless I know you and I’m just kidding. I am extremely respectful to people and I expect the same. We don’t say yeah in my house, we don’t talk back, we discuss things. Sure people get mad but I do have a line that can be crossed and when it gets crossed I shut down and I’ll probably never talk to you again, ever.

I think about communication and listening to people is so important. I like to over communicate a lot of the time. Sometimes I suck at it. Through years of counseling I’ve learned that you have to listen, process, then respond. Sometimes I even struggle with that one. But, it’s very important and I catch myself rambling on at times trying to make sure I’m like super overly clear or over explaining and then I screw it up.

I think about being very guarded in my life. When you’ve been around people in life that have completely destroyed you as a person you tend to be very cautious. 1 Small thing can keep me from being even remotely close to or talking to someone. This keeps drama in my life limited to just my own which is enough for me. 90 % of this world doesn’t care about you, they don’t want you to prosper, they don’t care. I do care. I serve others and I’m very protective so I assume it’s safer to not put myself in harms way out of caution if I don’t need to. I’m bad enough that if you want to get to know me or be in my life you have to force your way in. This is strictly a defense mechanism.

Sure, it’s not as much “fun” but what’s fun? To you it’s one thing to me it’s another. Fun to me is to walk and soak in the sun and think about my surroundings. Fun to me is to explore and be in silence. Fun to me is learning about a certain topic or discussing things in depth to get know someone close to you on a deeper level. It’s watching the stars and holding someone. Anything outside of that gives me anxiety and my nerves get shot.

I think about why am I up at 5am and I’m writing a novel and not sleeping...

I also think about why all of the sudden in our day in age we feel like we have to prove anything to anyone. Why does it matter what anyone thinks of me and who I am or what I say? My do we live and die by those things now? Why should I live in someone else’s box?

My box is a happy box, a good box, a shiny, manly, and handsome box.