Life in a box... struggles

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This blog is my journal to the world, I try not to hide who I am. It feels good to release my thoughts and get them out of my heart and onto digital paper. I’ve always convinced myself that no one reads my blogs anyways!

I struggle with a lot of things in life, many of them involve who I am as a person. I’ve spent so much of my life molding who I am into what other people want me to be. Sometimes it’s a good and it’s justified. But, other times it can get to a point that you lose yourself and you feel as though you are in room full of mirrors but unclear which of them is really you.

I struggle with confidence, I know what I am capable of, I know I work harder than most people, but I struggle with people accepting me for who I am. I’m different, I like different music, I suck at chit chat, personal relationships, I never stop to rest, I like to cook, & I have so many things going on inside my head sometimes that I can’t seem to express with them words.

I struggle because I care deeply about people and I show that mostly with my acts of love and kindness but I come off as a jerk because I can’t seem to vocalize my feelings properly and I can’t seem to start or carry on a conversation to save my life. I struggle with these things because I fear if I express myself it won’t be accepted, except by a select few. Like my dog! She loves me haha

I struggle with watching videos of dads loving their kids. In fact I watched one today about a father who stayed with his daughter nonstop in the hospital when she sick. I may or may not have shed a tear or 2. I struggle with watching my own kids do things that make me proud which is 100 times more than I can ever express to them. Don’t tell anyone but I struggle with crying when watching my daughters play in the band, or do cheer, or make videos. Even movies that have strong sad moments! But, I suck those tears back because it’s not manly to cry! I struggle with watching them go through things that I can’t help with. It makes me sad when they are sad.

I struggle with with Jesus, or should I say the church. I struggle with my faith and wanting to vote with my brain, but also wanting to vote with heart because my kids opinion is different than mine. I struggle with life topics and not being too rigid with how I live my life. I’m 37, I pray I make it long enough see them all graduate and I struggle with how their life will be when they are gone.

I struggle with being alone, being loved. I struggle with knowing I‘m too much of a mess for anyone to take on. I struggle knowing I may never be loved, or know what it’s like to have someone love me.

Most days I generally end up walking my own path, but that path includes shutting everyone out of it in fears of them not accepting who I am. It’s always been easier for me to put walls up and stay inside my own cave as to avoid painful things.

I struggle with self care. My value and worth in life has always... always! Been predicated on how I can make other people happy, what I can do for them, what do they need from me, not asking anyone for anything. I didn’t go to the hospital for 3 days after having a major stroke and 2 torn arteries in my neck because I needed to get my kids to school, cook dinner, go to work, provide, etc. I’m working on getting better on asking for help, but it’s not easy. I’d prefer to be dead, broke, or homeless, before asking someone for anything ever.

But, most of all, I struggle with all the things I struggle with. Do they shape me into who I am? Am I making the right choice to be this person? Do I think too much? Or is all of this just Who I was made to be?

And that’s the struggle....