September 6th 2023

Today has weighed heavy on my soul and my heart.

Alex’s first day of PHP started this morning.

I feel like I have this 5000 pound weight on my shoulders. I couldn’t find any F’kn socks because I haven’t done laundry in a week. There’s tons of dishes in the sink. I took the rest of the week off of work but I’m already behind.

We got there at 8:30 am and I read and I filled out 100 forms. Of course they demanded their $2,000 up front which I don’t Fkn have! I have no idea where he is with his school work.

But, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I just sat in my car outside until 3:30 pm. Depressed and sad, unable to move. I haven’t slept, I want to cry but I can’t bring myself to cry because I don’t want anyone to think there is something wrong with me.

I fcnk hate bearing all of this on my shoulders. I hate just knowing I’m the only one. The one who has to Fkn find away to hold everything together. I don’t want to fold laundry, I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to shower, I just want to go to bed.

I want to numb this pain! This Fkn hurt inside of me that just ripping into my soul. I want to drink, pop pills, anything! To make it go away. But I don’t drink, I do so drugs, I don’t do anything.

I know this pass! I know things will get better! But fccccckkkk I just want to go away. I want a normal life a happy life, something anything.